Change....

I'm scared of change. I'll admit it; I'm one of these sensitive people who cries at goodbyes and worries about the future and hates the thought of life being different. Silly, I know, since life is one big series of cycles that will inevitably end.

I know, change is good, yadda yadda yadda. But I don't like things to change! If I love someone, I'll keep them please, if I like a place, I'll stay there please, if I like a sandwich, I'll eat that day in day out and there's feck all anyone can do to stop me.

I don't like change because what if things don't turn out as good as they are now? What if right now is the best time of your life, but you don't know it so you don't try to maintain it? What if change takes people you love away from you? Change is scary.

And right now I feel like my life is going to change, a lot. I've just finished college (AH!) so obviously enough, that's one chapter in my life done and dusted. Now I'm in the "real world", and it's scary as fuck. The scariest part is I don't feel one bit different, but I'm supposed to be a totally different person. I'm only 20, not even old enough to be the alcoholic that I am here were I in America. Yet I'm supposed to know what to do with the rest of my life.

I just got my first a job. Ever. Due to a long series of boring circumstances I've never had a job before, so I'm excited and terrified about it at the same time. I'm still on a trial run so they will decide if I'll be full-time or part-time when the trial is over. I've been told full-time is very tough and I believe it. If I had the choice, I would probably start off part-time and work my way up, but I'll take whatever they're offering now 'cos I'm a feckin pauper. I'm half delighted and half scared shitless. I'll get money, awesome. But.....I'll get money. Which means saving, and figuring out what I want to do with that money, and where I want to go with it. I feel like I'm going to see everyone a lot less, and some relationships I have are very dear to me and the time I get to spend on them is limited as it is.

I'm so grateful I have a job, not many do. But.....I'm just plain scared. I'm scared of change. I just want to skip over this transition in my life and see where I will be next year, if I'll still have the same amazing people I love so much in my life, if I'll have moved to America for a while which is my dream, if I'll still be in the exact same position in my life and look back at this post and scoff.

I hate now knowing, and I'll inevitably worry about all these things until my brain fries and I cry myself to sleep. I know there's absolutely nothing I can do and I have to cruise along life and let it all happen, but that just aint me. I'll just sit here and panic, as always....anyone with me?

Aila Maritz xox