I know this is a little bit personal, but I guess that's what happens when you have a blog; you tend to rant a little more than you should as it's your only outlet that won't get sick of you.
I used to be a very strong-willed girl. When I was little, it would take so much to phase me and any sickness or hardship I had, I'd just say era sure fuck it, I'll be grand. Although I didn't use the word fuck reader, being the little goodie two-shoes that I was, I merely use this for dramatic effect now. Now though......now. I'm kind of ashamed at how pathetic I've become to be perfectly honest. Now, I'm going to tell you some of my life story. If you feel you're going to judge or leave nasty comments, please stop reading now and I beg of you don't be mean!
Well, when I was 11 I had a spinal fusion, I was in 6th class at the time methinks. Needless to say, not being able to walk for more than five minutes at a time for a year made me stronger. I could have taken on the world at that time, and if I had been left to my devices then I would have been an amazing person. However, one has to go to secondary school. I fell in with the wrong crowd, not in a criminal way; I was one of the mean girls. I bullied a girl (not severely now, no physical contact was involved) who later became my best friend and still is 8 years later. I only did this because I didn't fit in myself and wanted to, desperately.
One day, these "mean girls" decided I wasn't cool enough any more, and turned on me. Now, I was the bullied. It just so happens that complete lowlifes around where I live where bullying me at the same time, telling me how annoying and ugly and fat I was and basically that I was a worthless piece of shit. Well, being a 12/13 year old lost little girl, I did something stupid, something I had no idea would effect my life so profoundly; I made myself throw up. Once I started, I couldn't stop until I had a full-on eating disorder. I hid this for 3 years from anyone, until I finally admitted it to my parents, but I still struggle with it to this day.
Since then I've never gotten my strength back. I can only cope with so much before I break down or panic. I can never live for the moment, or enjoy what I have right now. I'm always worrying about "if" and "how" and "when". Right now I'm on the verge of a panic attack for no good reason, other than a few things are happening that I have no control over. And yes, you can think I'm a bit pathetic because I think so too. This isn't putting myself down, I just want to cop the fuck on and stop being so weak and feeble-minded. I need to not worry about others, what will happen, how I'll do this, how I'll keep this person in my life, how I'll get there, how I'll get this money or that job. I need to be the little girl who doesn't care about anyone else and carries on with life because she feels like it. I need to stop panicking when I see a rainy day, or have no plans, I need to stop feeling physically ill with worry over every little fuckin thing. I need to COP THE FUCK ON and be the strong girl I know I can be and I know is inside me still.
Ok, sorry guys, rant over.
Aila Maritz xox
Damn it! So my computer did something weird and my first comment disappeared and I said some pretty thought provoking sh*t! Lol. So let me some it all up....I know I do not know you, but I think its safe to say, You ARE A AWESOME CHICK!!! You're strength is not gone at all. The fact that you told your parents you had a eating disorder took a great deal of strength. The fact that you overcame it and work everyday not to go backwards is awesome and commendable. You ARE NOT pathetic, feeble minded or any of that stuff. It seems like you have a lot of anxiety, that simply needs to be put into check. You're a kick ass make up artist, you make sweet ass whisper videos, you sing like an angel, you're intelligent and it seems you have so much going for you. Real talk, the world is your oyster...meaning you reach and accomplish any goal or dream you have for yourself. Don't let this anxiety or feelings of negativity consume you. If you gotta see a therapist, do it! If you gotta pop a anti-anxiety or anti-whatever pill, do it. If prayer and meditation is more your speed, do what your gotta do girl! Thanks for sharing this "personal rant", as it was deeply personal and could be considered private. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Aw I woke up feeling pretty shitty and panicking about the future, basically with a panic attack. And then I read this comment and it made me cry, you're so sweet, thank you so much for your words of encouragement, they really saved me today xoxo
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