Depression.
The bottomless pit and vicious circle that engulfs you into thinking you’re not good enough and your life isn’t worthwhile. No matter what anyone says, they don’t understand what you’re going through. Unless they have been in the same situation they don’t get it and never will. People will eventually get tired of your negativity and leave. They try to help and might spend a few hours with you once a week but one day out of seven rarely helps. Unless you want everyone to think you’re a fruitcake you can’t tell most people in your life what you’re going through, therefore they will inevitably say something to send you into a downward spiral. Or worse, ignore you completely so that you feel invisible.
And it rarely stops at depression. It will always lead to other forms of self-harm; eating disorders, cutting yourself, loss of sleep, loss of focus and finally, suicide. People will begin to think that you’re playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. At the end of the day, they won’t care about the overwhelming emptiness you feel in the pit of your stomach, or the lump at the back of your throat as you try to sleep, the fear that you’ll never feel happiness again. They’ll stop trying to help because everyone has their own problems. You can cry out for help, trust someone enough to let them see your desperation, but any rejection will just make you stop trying. You'll stop believing in people, sending you deeper into your endless cycle of depression until all you feel is hopelessness.
But what can you do? Who can you talk to? Once you leave someone they’ll forget about your problems. They won’t invite you places, they won’t ask you to call around to their place, they won’t organise something to take your mind off your problems for just one night. So what do we do? Having a family, friends, a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t help because it’s inside you that the problem is. You can't get outside of your head long enough to believe people when they tell you you're anything more than a worthless waste of space. Even when you have friends you convince yourself that they don’t like you. If you text them and get no reply, if they don’t ask you for a day out, if they decline your invitation to do something. Every tiny rejection is like a massive punch to the gut until you can’t help but cower in the background of everyone else’s lives until you have no life of your own. No matter what they say every day is the same; waiting for it to be over to start the next one. No matter how much you try to be happy and make things better it’s no use. Nothing helps, not your own attitude or anyone else’s. But people don't understand. You don’t ask for this feeling. All you want is to feel happiness but you can’t find the energy to simply get up and do something about it. Thus the vicious circle begins again.
What do we do? What can we do?? If only there was some form of release....
This is a very brief and general insight into the mind of a person with depression or any other branch of self-harm. Never judge someone when they aren’t as outgoing as you, or as socially apt. When someone asks you for help, help them. They don’t want to be a victim and probably feel pretty pathetic asking for your simple friendship. Don’t look down on someone when they say they have some form of disorder; they’re not crazy. All they want is help. All they want is happiness. It doesn’t matter if they’re life seems perfect or if you know millions of people have worse lives than them. That, if anything, will make them feel worse because they can’t help the empty black hole eating away at them. All they want is someone to be there. All they want is help.
And for anyone who has these thoughts or anything like them, don’t feel this way. I know the emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling of desperation. But it can only get better. Something beautiful is waiting for you; life won’t stay this way forever. A mirror broken into millions of pieces will only reflect more light than one perfectly intact. And when you’re put back together you’ll make your own beautiful mosaic of colours and strength, blinding people with the beauty and light you shine with. When the feeling passes, and it will pass, you will be a stronger and more beautiful person than ever before.
I promise, you’re priceless.
Aila Maritz xox
